Coffee stains-Crumbled papers-Puppy dogs and Pussy cats

Anyone who follows this blog has noticed, and many have mentioned, that I haven't been keeping up.

Well, that's true.

I have been too busy to even think about posting.

 Almost 2 years ago, when my then baby started grade 1, I had big time empty nest syndrome.

 I really didn't know what to do with myself.

For the first time in 10 years I was alone at home.

No snack time, no strapping kids in car seats, no backyard fun.

 I looked around my big messy house and thought to myself, I am more than this.

I checked my adoption status daily.

I was sad.

The China Adoption report gave me the same bad news every week-WE ARE SORRY FOR YOU.

The estimated referral date for our daughter was 2016.

 I won't even mention how old I will be then!!

 I decided to refurbish my nursing career.

Switch gears.

 See if my mind was still capable, still willing.

 The chances of going to China for my daughter were slim to none.

 So I dug in. Getting back into studying again, looking around my house at things that needed to be and should be done, was tough.

 I just had to leave them.

 I had to study.

There was many a late night.

Coffee stains and crumbled papers.

 Many times, I wanted to quit.

 I thought, I don't have time for this. My life was still crazy. I still had 4 kids and a busy husband.

 One morning in May 2010, I was frustrated, I was trying to study but my mind was in China.

It usually was, it preoccupied my mind everyday.

 I picked up the phone, called my agency.

 It was time to put the adoption to rest.

 I had gone through all the stages of a death, a loss.

This adoption was not going to happen.

 DENIAL

When looking on line, watching wait times, I had for years denied the truth. I refused to think Jane wouldn't come into our lives. This couldn't be not happening.

Yes, she had a name even though she still didn't exist!!

 ANGER

Why couldn't we get a little girl. We were good people, a good family. There are so many children out there who needed homes. It was not fair.

 BARGAINING

I had thought to myself, If I could only have a little girl.

I would be complete.

This emptiness would go.

 I will be the best I can be.

DEPRESSION

Not clinically depressed.

 I never felt I needed medication, but I had a sadness about me.

It felt hopeless.

What was the point in still pursing it.

I was heart broken to the core.

and today,

 I had 

 ACCEPTANCE.

Something had come over me.

 I was ready to make the call, to close our file.

 Jane had been a dream.

All the things I had gathered over the years, I would just give them away, the dolls, the dresses, the Chinese stuff I had collected on various Chinatown visits.

That call,

changed our lives forever.

Instead of closing our file,

we went full steam ahead.

We changed gears again and started the process to adopt a waiting child.

A daughter with a special need.

At first I was scared but it all felt so right, the way it was supposed to be.

 Now, this was still all looming over me. What do I do now? I was well into my program. If I quit now, I knew I would never do it again and the truth was, I was enjoying it!

I decided to just keep going forward,

take each day and challenge as it came.

November 2010, finally, Jane came into our lives.

My heart was full

and

so were my days.

Studying was now done during nap times, as was my shower and housework.

It was a challenge.

I had to get this done though.

 So, onward I trudged. Drawing puppy dogs and pussy cats, butterflies and bunny rabbits.

 Circles, triangles, squares, hearts and flowers

 She drew too!

Finally, on Sept 29,2011,

 I finished.

 Congrats on finishing the course.

This was part of an email I received after I did my last exam.

What a relief.

Now, I don't have to study while naps are being taken.

Now, I don't feel like I need to be studying ever chance I get.

Now, I can get back to enjoying my family.

Yes, I will go back to work. I really enjoyed my clinical experience. It was good to be back at it. I will do night shifts as a casual nurse. Not many yet, not until Jane goes to kindergarten. I will still have days with my baby and I will work while she is fast asleep.